Sharing some great comments on trauma and relationships
And taking a small rest
I don’t have an essay for you this week, but I do have a short piece written by the incomparable Meghan Stengel Gardner, a woman I’ve admired for quite a few years now and who is one of the few people I know who can truly be called “a force of nature.”
Between wildfire smoke, a rash of social engagements, vague mood swinginess, and ramping up for a move, I’ve not found the time or energy to write here. But I was lucky enough to stumble across this practical and compassionate gem.
It’s about breaking the intergenerational cycle of abuse, and how hard it can be as a traumatized person to form healthy bonds with people who haven’t experienced trauma. (I also sometimes think of this as “securely attached people just don’t get it, maaaaan.”) This also may give me the nudge I need to write the next series I’ve been intending to do, entitled, “Just Because You’re Traumatized Doesn’t Mean…” in which I’ll explore some of the habits of mind(body) that can make us behave, and believe, the way we often do.
Please enjoy, and if you have anything to add, please comment!
You know all those books and videos and podcasts about healing trauma? Something that I have never read about or heard about until I discovered it myself was that when you actually DO make significant progress in healing, you also have to change your relationship expectations.
For example:
1. If your healthier loved ones are not vigilant to your emotional state, this might NOT mean that they are selfish, or they don’t love and care about you. It likely means you have not given them the type of interactions that you experienced that would have mandated them to be hypervigilant… or suffer the consequences. This is a GOOD thing. But it also means you must sometimes tend to your own feelings or take the time to explain your feelings to them without expecting them to fix your feelings.
2. Your healthier loved ones may not be as attentive as you are and make more mistakes – and here’s the kicker: They likely won’t think it’s a big deal. Meanwhile, you may be internally freaking out a bit because your mistakes were met with inordinately high consequences. This doesn’t mean they are careless. It means that they know that the vast majority of mistakes are actually not a big deal, and most consequences are navigable.
3. Your loved ones may be quicker to set boundaries or voice their displeasure and they may not understand if this feels deeply painful to you. That’s because they have been given space and permission to exert this self-preservation and expression while you might be still developing this skill and worried about upsetting the people you are setting boundaries with.
These might be just a few of the significant differences between you and your healthy loved ones. It can be very hard to navigate this gap because if you have managed to persevere through the healing process and create loving and functional relationships with your loved ones – especially if you succeeded in “breaking the cycle” as a parent or caregiver - you will have to navigate this gap inside of you instead of asking that your loved ones have the hyper vigilance that you had to develop out of necessity.
In my experience, this is NOT an easy task. And when you are in a vulnerable space, these habits can rear up and demand that your loved ones “pay attention” or not be “so selfish”.
It’s up to us to work with these feelings and not lay blame on those who haven’t experienced trauma if we want to continue to work on breaking this cycle of abuse. We don’t have to do it alone… supportive loved ones will certainly try to keep in mind our needs. But I personally don’t want my loved ones developing relationship habits with me out of fear and anxiety rather than compassion and empathy.
Thanks for reading, all. I’ll see you next week, when I might talk about a recent NYT article about Somatic Experiencing, or the power of orienting as a bodily action, or the sordid (and ultimately semi-triumphant?) history of my (lack of) atheleticism. We’ll see!
This resonates for me as one of those "healthy loved ones" who often can't understand why interactions that seem simple to me get complicated very quickly.
Really helpful piece to share!